Attachment disorder: Regular everyday normal guy

Things that shouldn't be.

Chunks of non-seeds in bags of sunflower seeds... yet, I'm finding myself drawn to it.
Cucumbers in gin... yet, I'm finding myself drawn to it.
6 pounds of hummus in my fridge.
The phrase, "after his short battle with Leukemia."
A limit on the number of short term loans GSS gives out to one person per semester.
IBS.
Ingrown hairs.
Apple cores.
Huskymail. Seriously, this might be worse than an email address you get through barbie.com or some shit.
Committees.
Shits that take more than 2 flushes.
A tin with Christmas cookies in my bedroom. (I wonder how long they'll be there. I wonder how long before the ants take them away.)
Carbonated tea.
E-mails signed, "Cheers." ("Cheers" is for drinks. You may sign your e-mails as such if, and only if, you are drinking and recommend that I do the same.)
People saying "In this post nine-eleven world." (This is just an excuse for people to take things too seriously.)
Anything "dill pickle flavored" except dill pickles. (e.g., sunflower seeds)
Committees.
1,100,000 hits for the word "cloaca" on google.
An inflatable, fuckable pig that wiggles its nose when you finger its cloaca in my bedroom.

What I have...

nicknamed my penis: placebo.
a new nickname for: my penis.
up my nose, but not when I'm driving: my finger.
missing from my tongue: skin (caused by new addiction to ranch sunflower seeds).
a new addiction to: ranch sunflower seeds.
to teach in a week: a class I've never taught before (and quite frankly don't know how).
behind me: shadow people.
in front of me: 11 empty Diet Coke cans.
on my right: too many empty Ritz packages.
on my left: clothes burning on the register.
completely revised: an IRB-FUCK.
partially revised: an IRB-1.
partially completed: an IRB-3.
completed: an IRB-2.
in the trunk of my car: 'sploded Diet Coke and high school year books.
in 6 days: exams.
cancelled for Valentine's day (for me): Valentine's day.
cancelled for Valentine's day (for my students): class.
to pay: fee bill, rent, car insurance, credit cards, phone bill, bookie, hooker.
been losing sleep over: needless drama.
knittin': a scarf.
smitten: my face.
bitten: my tongue.
to get: a pirate ship.
on my wall: a pirate flag.
too few of: days before my exams.
too much of: bodyhair.
too many of: socks.
to look forward to: weekends.
to sail my chocolate canoe in: a milk river.
to finish before Christmas: Christmas shopping.
started posting: too many videos.
to do: get my shit together.
too many of: tubes of toothpaste.
had two cans of today: Tab.
been unable to get rid of: meta-analysis.
done with my math degree: forgotten math.
been unable to stop watching: Frisky Dingo.
eaten today: something from a gas station.
found: yet another navy wool cap.
lost: my sailor hat.
intended to do: finish, and get the fuck out.
messed with: Texas.