From Utah...
Bill does actually call the guy kooky, right? Not just his ideas?
So I'm beginning to honestly collect my thoughts on how to defeat Bill O'Reilly. Unfortunately, it's a game of cat and mouse, and the only way to win is not to be the mouse.
Things that shouldn't be on blogs.
- Lyrics to a complete song, unless your blog is lyricstoacompletesong.blogspot.com
- Lyrics to a complete song because you somehow identify with it.
- Lyrics to a complete song just because you're listening to it.
Things that shouldn't be.
- Chunks of non-seeds in bags of sunflower seeds... yet, I'm finding myself drawn to it.
- Cucumbers in gin... yet, I'm finding myself drawn to it.
- 6 pounds of hummus in my fridge.
- The phrase, "after his short battle with Leukemia."
- A limit on the number of short term loans GSS gives out to one person per semester.
- IBS.
- Ingrown hairs.
- Apple cores.
- Huskymail. Seriously, this might be worse than an email address you get through barbie.com or some shit.
- Committees.
- Shits that take more than 2 flushes.
- A tin with Christmas cookies in my bedroom. (I wonder how long they'll be there. I wonder how long before the ants take them away.)
- Carbonated tea.
- E-mails signed, "Cheers." ("Cheers" is for drinks. You may sign your e-mails as such if, and only if, you are drinking and recommend that I do the same.)
- People saying "In this post nine-eleven world." (This is just an excuse for people to take things too seriously.)
- Anything "dill pickle flavored" except dill pickles. (e.g., sunflower seeds)
- Committees.
- 1,100,000 hits for the word "cloaca" on google.
- An inflatable, fuckable pig that wiggles its nose when you finger its cloaca in my bedroom.
What I have...
- nicknamed my penis: placebo.
- a new nickname for: my penis.
- up my nose, but not when I'm driving: my finger.
- missing from my tongue: skin (caused by new addiction to ranch sunflower seeds).
- a new addiction to: ranch sunflower seeds.
- to teach in a week: a class I've never taught before (and quite frankly don't know how).
- behind me: shadow people.
- in front of me: 11 empty Diet Coke cans.
- on my right: too many empty Ritz packages.
- on my left: clothes burning on the register.
- completely revised: an IRB-FUCK.
- partially revised: an IRB-1.
- partially completed: an IRB-3.
- completed: an IRB-2.
- in the trunk of my car: 'sploded Diet Coke and high school year books.
- in 6 days: exams.
- cancelled for Valentine's day (for me): Valentine's day.
- cancelled for Valentine's day (for my students): class.
- to pay: fee bill, rent, car insurance, credit cards, phone bill, bookie, hooker.
- been losing sleep over: needless drama.
- knittin': a scarf.
- smitten: my face.
- bitten: my tongue.
- to get: a pirate ship.
- on my wall: a pirate flag.
- too few of: days before my exams.
- too much of: bodyhair.
- too many of: socks.
- to look forward to: weekends.
- to sail my chocolate canoe in: a milk river.
- to finish before Christmas: Christmas shopping.
- started posting: too many videos.
- to do: get my shit together.
- too many of: tubes of toothpaste.
- had two cans of today: Tab.
- been unable to get rid of: meta-analysis.
- done with my math degree: forgotten math.
- been unable to stop watching: Frisky Dingo.
- eaten today: something from a gas station.
- found: yet another navy wool cap.
- lost: my sailor hat.
- intended to do: finish, and get the fuck out.
- messed with: Texas.
1 comment:
I knew about the Mayor's speech, but I missed the Bill-o interview. He knows the secret of good talk show host-ism: all sentences spoken with absolute certainty.
Post a Comment